meltdown much?

today was not a good day.

I think that everything that's been going on in my life over the past 6 weeks or so has just caught up with me, or rather did today.

I know that I've been working too much but don't feel like I can control that.

I know that Mark and I spent a day and a half, just two weeks ago, watching his dad struggle for breath, waiting for him to die. I'm glad that we were there for him but it was one of the most horrific things that I have ever had to witness. I would have felt much worse about it if I thought that he was actually in any pain while the whole thing was happening. It's just not an easy thing to face, it's definitely nothing like what you see on soap operas. It's not romantic or sexy, it's difficult and gut-wrenching and draining.

I think that between all the working I've been doing, all the sleep that I haven't been getting, the death watch, the funeral, the aftermath...it's just hit me today like a mack truck.

work was extraordinarily frustrating today. right now, I'm at a point where I know that I have a shit load of work to do but I can't seem to get any time to figure it out exactly. this makes me jump into a mode of reaction. I don't like to have to be constantly reacting to situations. ordinarily I'm more organized than that. I can usually see around corners. I can't do that right now. the only things that I think saved my sanity today were being able to go home to Mark and vent and having lunch with a friend earlier in the day. I almost cancelled on her but I'm glad that I didn't. I needed the little bit of a walk to where I was meeting her and I needed just to see someone who didn't need anything from me.

aarrrgghhhh....if only I could get a good night's sleep, maybe I'd feel less like crying than I do right now.