More Sammy News

My Sammy

I haven't been able to bring myself to write this update.

Many times over the past few weeks I have sat down and tried to start but didn't know where to begin.

It's time to do it though so I'm just going to start...

On October 18, we went back to the vet for a follow up appointment.  He seemed to respond well to the medications which had been prescribed the week earlier.  His legs were no longer shaking, he was eating well, taking his meds like a trooper, his stamina on walks was good.  Sam was still coughing but seemed to be doing much better.  On the 18th, they gave him a follow up chest X-Ray.  Not much had changed, a bit of fluid had decreased in his lungs but they weren't clear.

The next step would be an echo-cardiogram.

We made an appointment for October 23 and went home, continuing with the meds and hoping against hope that it was "just heart disease" and that the echo-cardiogram would confirm no growth in his heart.

Two weeks ago today, we returned for the test.  He was an amazing rock star throughout the ultrasound.  The vet was able to determine that there was a mass in his heart.  It was causing the healthy parts of his heart to work double time.  Without a biopsy, there was no way to say 100% that he had cancer but that's what it looks like.  Given that his cough had started in April but didn't become horrible until October meant that they considered the mass to be slow growing.  Sam was definitely not going to be living to be an old man (he turned 10 in August) but we had no idea how much time he had.  Could be days, weeks or maybe months.  I was told that eventually, he'd pass out and die, painlessly, almost exactly how Mark died.  Sam was basically going to drown in fluid from his enlarged and overworking heart.  The truly awful thing about this is that Sam is a really healthy guy.  He has some GI problems once in a while but his overall health is good.

When we went home, I was in a bit of shock, but not really.  I had sort of expected to get the worst possible news.  After what happened with Mark, my brain is sort of wired for that now.  I'd been told that if he got really bad, I could double his meds and then call them.  Last night into this morning, things got bad.  He's coughing more and more and the time between bouts is getting shorter.  Both Jasmine and I have taken to watching his chest very closely.  More than once over the past couple of days I've thought he had passed away.  I've doubled his meds so hopefully he's a bit more comfortable today but I know that's just a band aid solution.  I can feel him getting thin under his thick white coat of Eskie fur and I'm starting to worry that he's frightened and uncomfortable.  I don't want him to get a point where he can't breathe and I see that point is getting closer.  I love him so much, he's always been my boy (the same way that Gracie was always Mark's girl) and I can't imagine him not being in the house at the end of the day, "hiding" in the bedroom so I can call out "where is Sammy?  I don't even know where he is!" and then seeing him jump up and down on the bed as if to say "I'm here, right here!! Please come and scratch and rub me!!!"

At some point this week, I'm pretty sure I'll be saying goodbye to him and it's breaking my heart.  He's just been the best guy, always there when I needed him, especially after Mark died.  I want him to have a beautiful, peaceful death and I want to be there when it happens.  I want for him what Mark didn't have... I think that this is especially difficult for me because it's stirred up a lot of feelings I have about Mark's death.  At least I know that I will get through this, that doesn't make things any easier unfortunately.